I am waaaaaaaay too sleep deprived for my natural happy state of being. Also, going from living on the ground floor of a single storey house, to living on the top floor of a three storey building provides an interesting work out for the heart and for the calves. Especially the calves really.
My room is cosy and warm. Now that I'm in my oddly-triangular shaped room, I actually quite like it. Except for the lack of sunlight. But really, I do like it. I have it arranged in a way that makes me happy, maintenance came in to fix my shelf that was missing a peg - so now I can store stuff on it without it going "whoopsie-daisy! you're not gonna store anything on me! hahahahahah!".
The only downside is that it's right next to the stairs. This flight of stairs goes from the bottom floor to the top floor. This means that I can hear everything that goes on.
I discovered this at approximately 3 am this morning, when the people coming back from the clubs came in very loudly and drunkenly.
This makes for a grumpy me. I don't like being grumpy and made my best efforts to not be grumpy.
Due to neither Lana nor I having enough of anything to make proper breakfast, we went on a breakky run to grab what we needed (I FINALLY HAVE OJ! this provided me with so much happiness, it is a little ridiculous), but ended up running slightly late to our "meet and greets" with the rest of the people in our respective courses.
I hate running late. It stresses me out and makes me feel rushed and a little upset for the rest of the day.
Not only was I late, I was in the wrong group. This was horribly embarrassing to me. I don't know why it was, but it was. I felt really stupid.
Anyway, we got a "grand tour" of our wing of the university. It looks fairly cool. I don't know what I can say that sort of encompasses the overwhelming fear and awe I had looking at the technology, or the sinking feeling I got when I realised that I not only needed a lab coat and glasses, which costs about $40 together, but a $161.95 textbook on top of that. I thought I had everything, and that I was so organised, and it turns out that I wasn't at all.
I booked an appointment with the disability services today as well, mainly because I don't have very good mental health. I have General Anxiety Disorder - which means that lots of little things can make me feel incredibly anxious and upset, to the point where I get migraines, shooting pains up my legs and arms, go off my food, lose weight, get sick, lose sleep, which means I feel grumpy and not well, which leads to less of the "quality" sleep. To combat this, I'm medicated. But lately I've been feeling extremely up and down as I deal with my List of Things, and I think I need some help with it. I've gone from seeing a psychologist every three weeks for 12 months, to nearly four months without any help, and it's taking it's toll.
The reason I mention this, is because since I've been here, I've been asked quite a few times if I'm "going out" on the pub crawls and stuff to get drunk. The nature of my medication means I can't drink at all, so I just say I don't drink. But this has led to some weird looks from the other people around me and I sort of feel a little like I'm being judged for not drinking.
This is making my head hurt just trying to work out why I'm just so uncomfortable about it all.
The people in my unit seem nice enough. I seem to meet people everywhere, and they're all just as uncomfortable as I am, at least outwardly. Today I met a boy called Adrian ( I think?) while I was holding Lana's place in the dinner line. He seemed okay.
I feel a bit uncomfortable talking to the guys here. Up until I met Noel, I had a very hard time believing when people said I was pretty or anything nice like that at all. I"m really not very good at taking compliments. I'm acutely aware of being watched or looked at and I'm not sure that I like being so wary. But the thing is, I also feel like if I'm not wary and watchful, then ... I don't know. Maybe something bad will happen? I'm not sure. I just feel like I have to be constantly on my guard and protecting myself.
Anyway. I'm looking forward to a nice quiet night in bed, talking to Noel, watching Big Bang Theory, and having a cuppa.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Today I moved to university.
I woke up early. At 2 am to be precise. My brother, who I normally don't get along with at all, sent me a really nice text message, wishing me luck and telling me he'd miss me, which was a bit of a shock.
But at 2 am, I wasn't willing to see this, so I just rolled over and tried to sleep.
Except I couldn't, because I was terrified of oversleeping and being late to uni and failing miserably from day one. So when I say I "tried to sleep", it's more like "I had some fitful dozes where I was waking every hour in case I missed my alarm".
I am now very tired.
I talked to Noel for about 20 minutes, and he was so lovely. Really reassuring and perked me up. Lucky bastard spent all day yesterday watching Battle Star Galactica in bed (I would be jealous but he's a bit poorly so he's allowed a day in bed), Then I said my goodbyes, packed up my laptop and the last of my things into my car, and left earlier then my parents did. Why did I do this? because my car now had the approximate weight of 10 of me (perhaps a slight exaggeration), and would thus be going 10x slower up the hills.
And it already struggles with just 1 of me in the car.
So I've set off with my music blasting in my car, singing happily along, following the highway for ages. I was overtaken many times (Sorry folks! I know it causes road rage to drive so slowly but I really couldn't go any faster. My foot was to the floor and I still only just managed 80 up those hills!), and at Winchelsea, my parents had finally caught up to me. They caught my attention with flashing their lights and indicating I should stop. I did not want to stop. I was confused as to why they wanted to stop.
"I need a wee. Don't you? You should go have a wee." said mum.
"No mum, I'm fine, really. I could have gone all the way and not needed to stop."
I shrugged, she disappeared into the loos for a wee, then we all left and drove the rest of the way to Geelong.
Whereupon we found out that, after struggling to find the commonroom for 10 minutes (before which I had bumped the car into the concrete parking quite hard. *stressed*), that my room was on the TOP floor of the LARGEST building with the most people on it. And that my room was not square. Rather, it is in fact, a triangle. No joke. It really is. Talk about awkward to arrange!
It is also, right next to the fire escape. If that door is open for more then 90 seconds, the alarm goes off, and it is LOUD.
On the plus side, I have a brand new bed. I'm not sure I want to know why the old one was replaced, but hey! New Bed, complete with wrapping.
I brought some of my stuff up with the help of my parents, then tried to unpack, brought more stuff up and tried to unpack, then we all went off on a merrily road-rage filled (well, for dad at least) drive to get a fridge. Which we got, then had to get up three flights of stairs.
The parents then all went off for a little meeting with some of the faculty members and I went to meet the other Jaffy's and my RA and AM. Jaffy = Just Another Fucking First Year. RA = Residence Assistant. AM = Academic Mentor. They all seem fairly nice to me. I'm just a bit nervous that I'll fuck everything up and have no friends. I realise, of course, that everybody feels the same. but I am just VERY nervous.
We then had to have dinner and stuff and I met a really nice girl in my building called Lana, and a boy called Sam. They seem like nice people. We sort of hung around together in a little group for most of the day.
So far, I don't know ANYONE else studying Biomedical Science though.
We had some group activities. I was wrapped in toilet paper like a mummy. Great times.
Managing my list of Bad Things though. Just.
Feel a bit overwhelmed, but I'm sure it'll settle when I've gotten used to being here.
I already miss my double bed. :(
And my cat.
But at 2 am, I wasn't willing to see this, so I just rolled over and tried to sleep.
Except I couldn't, because I was terrified of oversleeping and being late to uni and failing miserably from day one. So when I say I "tried to sleep", it's more like "I had some fitful dozes where I was waking every hour in case I missed my alarm".
I am now very tired.
I talked to Noel for about 20 minutes, and he was so lovely. Really reassuring and perked me up. Lucky bastard spent all day yesterday watching Battle Star Galactica in bed (I would be jealous but he's a bit poorly so he's allowed a day in bed), Then I said my goodbyes, packed up my laptop and the last of my things into my car, and left earlier then my parents did. Why did I do this? because my car now had the approximate weight of 10 of me (perhaps a slight exaggeration), and would thus be going 10x slower up the hills.
And it already struggles with just 1 of me in the car.
So I've set off with my music blasting in my car, singing happily along, following the highway for ages. I was overtaken many times (Sorry folks! I know it causes road rage to drive so slowly but I really couldn't go any faster. My foot was to the floor and I still only just managed 80 up those hills!), and at Winchelsea, my parents had finally caught up to me. They caught my attention with flashing their lights and indicating I should stop. I did not want to stop. I was confused as to why they wanted to stop.
"I need a wee. Don't you? You should go have a wee." said mum.
"No mum, I'm fine, really. I could have gone all the way and not needed to stop."
I shrugged, she disappeared into the loos for a wee, then we all left and drove the rest of the way to Geelong.
Whereupon we found out that, after struggling to find the commonroom for 10 minutes (before which I had bumped the car into the concrete parking quite hard. *stressed*), that my room was on the TOP floor of the LARGEST building with the most people on it. And that my room was not square. Rather, it is in fact, a triangle. No joke. It really is. Talk about awkward to arrange!
It is also, right next to the fire escape. If that door is open for more then 90 seconds, the alarm goes off, and it is LOUD.
On the plus side, I have a brand new bed. I'm not sure I want to know why the old one was replaced, but hey! New Bed, complete with wrapping.
I brought some of my stuff up with the help of my parents, then tried to unpack, brought more stuff up and tried to unpack, then we all went off on a merrily road-rage filled (well, for dad at least) drive to get a fridge. Which we got, then had to get up three flights of stairs.
The parents then all went off for a little meeting with some of the faculty members and I went to meet the other Jaffy's and my RA and AM. Jaffy = Just Another Fucking First Year. RA = Residence Assistant. AM = Academic Mentor. They all seem fairly nice to me. I'm just a bit nervous that I'll fuck everything up and have no friends. I realise, of course, that everybody feels the same. but I am just VERY nervous.
We then had to have dinner and stuff and I met a really nice girl in my building called Lana, and a boy called Sam. They seem like nice people. We sort of hung around together in a little group for most of the day.
So far, I don't know ANYONE else studying Biomedical Science though.
We had some group activities. I was wrapped in toilet paper like a mummy. Great times.
Managing my list of Bad Things though. Just.
Feel a bit overwhelmed, but I'm sure it'll settle when I've gotten used to being here.
I already miss my double bed. :(
And my cat.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
First Post.
So, this is a blog.
Clearly.
I've decided to write it. My boyfriend Noel came up with the idea that I should write a "how-to" guide for uni, of sorts, by documenting my experiences with university. "One hundred words a day." he said. I suppose here is where I say something like "pffft, does he know how HARD that is? In the Long Term?" but I can't really say anything like that. He blogs quite regularly himself and is a MASTER at it. And it really helps him, so I suppose I figure I should try it. I mean I have another blog, but that's just a whiny emo one. I may have to delete it, purely on the basis of how bad it is.
But I'm getting sidetracked.
My name is Tess. I'm studying Biomedical Science at Deakin Uni. I currently live in rural Victoria, Australia, and tomorrow I leave at about eight am to drive two and a half hours to move into my uni halls. I have spent a solid three hours packing my car today. It's like Tetris, as my friend Katherine said, only in 3D format, and once you get a whole row, it DOESN'T disappear and you don't get any points. But I suppose going to uni gives you points so it cancels out.
I feel a bit..... I dunno. I'm satisfied and smug that I managed to pack almost everything into my car (the clothes are in dad's big 4WD), and there's also quite a bit of trepidation tied into that. I'm embarking on a new segment of my life and at this point I have no idea how it is going to pan out.
I should note, at this point, that Noel, lives in England, so that is why I am slightly afraid of getting bogged down in university for 3 years. Slightly afraid is the wrong phrase maybe. I'm being cautious, I suppose, with my enthusiasm because in the last month, I have had to deal with coming back to Australia and being separated from my boyfriend, which was gutting, and also with the death of a teacher I was very close to in High school, as well as the suicide of a boy in my year level. So at the moment I feel like emotional extremes are just nightmares waiting to happen.
I have a whole list of things that worry me, and as the marvellous Allie writes in her blog, Hyperbole and a half, it has the potential to become a Sneaky Hate Spiral at any given moment. I have all these things in my life that need to get sorted, ON TOP of starting university.
Like today, I found out that my teacher's funeral is on at the same time as my very first university lecture. Which means I can't go. Couple this with the fact that I feel like an awful person for not going, and guilt at not wanting to be at my first lecture, it does not prove to be a promising start to my university career.
However, I'm sure I'll muddle on through it somehow.
And I'm getting side tracked again.
There is a reason why people say to "Pack carefully". Mum thinks I don't have enough clothes. I am sure that I do. We disagree, she says "Well I can't *make* you do anything." and I say "No, you cannot." and then in 3 weeks time when the Easter break (I know, how stupid is that, having a break three weeks after the beginning of uni?) comes around, I'll quietly take a few more clothes up to university when I come home to visit.
And she won't know.
At all.
Nope.
Clearly.
I've decided to write it. My boyfriend Noel came up with the idea that I should write a "how-to" guide for uni, of sorts, by documenting my experiences with university. "One hundred words a day." he said. I suppose here is where I say something like "pffft, does he know how HARD that is? In the Long Term?" but I can't really say anything like that. He blogs quite regularly himself and is a MASTER at it. And it really helps him, so I suppose I figure I should try it. I mean I have another blog, but that's just a whiny emo one. I may have to delete it, purely on the basis of how bad it is.
But I'm getting sidetracked.
My name is Tess. I'm studying Biomedical Science at Deakin Uni. I currently live in rural Victoria, Australia, and tomorrow I leave at about eight am to drive two and a half hours to move into my uni halls. I have spent a solid three hours packing my car today. It's like Tetris, as my friend Katherine said, only in 3D format, and once you get a whole row, it DOESN'T disappear and you don't get any points. But I suppose going to uni gives you points so it cancels out.
I feel a bit..... I dunno. I'm satisfied and smug that I managed to pack almost everything into my car (the clothes are in dad's big 4WD), and there's also quite a bit of trepidation tied into that. I'm embarking on a new segment of my life and at this point I have no idea how it is going to pan out.
I should note, at this point, that Noel, lives in England, so that is why I am slightly afraid of getting bogged down in university for 3 years. Slightly afraid is the wrong phrase maybe. I'm being cautious, I suppose, with my enthusiasm because in the last month, I have had to deal with coming back to Australia and being separated from my boyfriend, which was gutting, and also with the death of a teacher I was very close to in High school, as well as the suicide of a boy in my year level. So at the moment I feel like emotional extremes are just nightmares waiting to happen.
I have a whole list of things that worry me, and as the marvellous Allie writes in her blog, Hyperbole and a half, it has the potential to become a Sneaky Hate Spiral at any given moment. I have all these things in my life that need to get sorted, ON TOP of starting university.
Like today, I found out that my teacher's funeral is on at the same time as my very first university lecture. Which means I can't go. Couple this with the fact that I feel like an awful person for not going, and guilt at not wanting to be at my first lecture, it does not prove to be a promising start to my university career.
However, I'm sure I'll muddle on through it somehow.
And I'm getting side tracked again.
There is a reason why people say to "Pack carefully". Mum thinks I don't have enough clothes. I am sure that I do. We disagree, she says "Well I can't *make* you do anything." and I say "No, you cannot." and then in 3 weeks time when the Easter break (I know, how stupid is that, having a break three weeks after the beginning of uni?) comes around, I'll quietly take a few more clothes up to university when I come home to visit.
And she won't know.
At all.
Nope.
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