taking a break from study, even if it's only for half an hour.

Student life isn't that bad, really. I mean, up until thursday last week, it was very, very hard. I had deadlines for essays. Deadlines for pre-lab tests (without which, I cannot perform a prac, which is really kinda important for Science stuff!). Deadlines for this that and the other thing. I also had no money. Like, next to NONE. I had $200.00 in my savings account that was supposed to be my summer clothing allowance, but I hadn't felt comfortable spending it, because aside from tutoring two kids once a week each, I had virtually no income. And then on top of that, I got knocked back when I asked if I could apply for government support as I was a student. But I don't meet enough criteria to get any support at all.
I got really upset over that - particularly because I feel that as a student, I *should* be automatically eligible for support - because uni is fucking EXPENSIVE. Unless you have parents who are loaded, it's really difficult to afford. Mum had to take out a loan just so I could have somewhere to live while I'm there, because of course, my particular course wasn't offered where I live. And yet, here I was doing something to further my education and having the potential to do something really good in the health sector for research, and the government says "Fuck off, you don't deserve any help", while the bogan scumbags who dropped out of high school at 16 and don't even bother *trying* to get a job, get more money in a week than is required. *and breathe* I'm not exaggerating here. I met a girl in the supermarket who dropped out of school when we were fifteen a few weeks back. She's now 19 (Same as me), and is living purely off benefits (which I worked out in my head, are about $550 AUD a fortnight). I asked where she was working, "Nowhere, can't be bothered." was her response. Can't be bothered? What the shuddering fuck?

Anyway. Last week I came home quite upset from the centrelink place, (also because I was sick with a bug) and poured out my woes to my mum. Mum is ace. I love her.
And then on wednesday night, I got a call from the Victorian Rural Health Association, telling me that they've awarded me a $5k scholarship towards my degree.
The relief I felt honestly can't be put into words. it was immense. It really was. I feel as if I've finally got some recognition towards my work ethic and I feel really happy about it. It also means I don't feel guilty when I go to the shops for food and I get a bag of crisps as a treat, or the latest Doctor Who dvd.

I have been just so incredibly busy and then run down and then busier still just because I don't really let myself slack off.
Tomorrow I am taking the day off, going to the physio about my hip, getting my fingers sized for rings since Noel asked me to, and I'm gonna buy mum's present for mother's day.
And on Friday, I'm gonna try my first proper "walk" since my car accident.
Fingers crossed that this is karma coming in with the goods for me. :)

so it's been about a week since I last posted.

I know, horrendously lazy of me. But in fairness, I've had some fairly major things going on.

For starts, I got a second tutoring gig. I'm now visiting a nine year old every thursday after school for an hour so I can teach him how to read and write properly. I'm really enjoying it actually - he's a really bright kid - he just doesn't bother trying at stuff he finds too difficult. I've got lessons and stuff planned out. So now I have enough money for a budget and savings and stuff.

Secondly, I was in a car accident on wednesday evening. I was driving along at 80km an hour, and a car pulled out in front of me without looking - and I had no where to go because there were cars on the other side of the road. It wasn't a major one, and I was mostly okay. I went into shock pretty badly and had to wait for police to pick me up because I couldn't drive. And then I started hurting all over, my neck in particular. So then I had to go to hospital and get checked over. It was really stressful, but overall I'm just thankful. It could have been so much worse then it was.

I've come home for the weekend, only to forget my medication last night. so I took it this morning and my head is all fuzzy and sleepy.

home again.

I know, I seem to be going back and forth between home and university a lot. It's partly because, I suppose, I feel more comfortable at home.
However, I feel better for it. I'm home, and studying, and I have  my own space and quiet. I don't feel pressured to go out, don't need to do this or that. I just study at my own pace, and when I want a break I can take it.

I have done so much work. and I feel better for it.

I feel a bit like things are starting to settle down for me at uni. But I am glad I went home on thursday. Thursday night is uni night -> there fore there's SO much more noise at night. I'm still not used to it, and I can't wear earplugs - they hurt my ears too much for me to be able to sleep, and so I have to go without. I've tried listening to music, but that just makes my head full of fizz and I can't sleep.

So I've gone home and I've slept so, so well. I feel really good too.

Red Frogs and biology.

Last night I went out and had a social life.
I know - "OH MY GOD.", right?
A girl in my unit, Lana, had bought me the ticket because she knew I wasn't the richest of people, and she wanted to get me out of the halls for a bit. So last night we traipsed down to the buses together, and met the "Red Froggers".
Red Frogs is a charity run to keep events under control, to help people have a good time responsibly, and to provide support for those who need it. Red Froggers are the people who work for this charity.

We went to a specialty coffee shop, where I had a lovely peppermint tea, and talked to some of the people there, before heading to Panache, a crepes shop for Shrove Tuesday. There, we had to play a game where we had a race to fill a cup with red frogs. Sounds simple, right? wrong. The frogs had to be held between our knees, and we had to waddle over to the cups and drop them without touching them with our hands.
I was losing spectacularly, so I did what any sane person did.... I grabbed the bag of frogs from the guy handing them out, smacking myself in the nose in the process, ran over to my cup, and upended the bag over and into it. I won the "most unsportsmanlike behaviour" award, to cheers and admiration, but I"m not sure how I feel about that, even though I was laughing the whole time.
I haven't laughed like that in a while.
After the night was over, I said thank you to Lana probably way too many times. I don't think I can express how much it meant to me that she thought of me when she barely knew me, and how much I appreciated it. 

Then today, I had my first tutoring session with a girl in Lara, for biology, and it went really well! I felt like I was actually doing a good job and not being a shit teacher. I got her to do some drawings for me, and I looked over them and made little corrections, then got her to define the parts of cells, and then made her draw a phospholipid bilayer, and then I showed her some important definitions for some guaranteed marks.

I actually feel like I've had a good day today.

I didn't write on the weekend for a very good reason.

That reason is that I was enjoying the luxury of sleep.

Yes, sleep.

I drove home on Saturday morning, with my books and all, intending to do my readings and have relaxing evening before having a solid night's sleep. What actually happened was that I got home, tried to read, started nodding off and ended up having a four hour nap in the afternoon.
My gorgeous kitty, who had been asleep on the foot of my bed, was curled up against my stomach when I woke up, purring madly at me. At least he missed me.
I had tea, talked to Noel for a bit, then went back to bed. And slept another 11 hours.
And god it felt really good. Just going *conk* and not being woken up. It felt fantastic. I finally felt like I'd gotten some decent sleep this week.

I got my readings and questions done early on sunday, then spent the rest of the day relaxing before I had to drive up to Geelong again. I would have stayed for tea at home, but there was a dinner on at uni that I figured I should go to. I arrived just in time, and felt a bit uncomfortable, sitting at a table where I only knew one person. I had mains, but felt really uncomfortable listening to everyone talking and obviously knowing each other. I left halfway through - I just really didn't feel like I could handle it. I don't know why. I just really wasn't up for it.

first properly quiet day...

My day, sadly, has been very quiet. Well not sadly at all. I finished my drawing of Sophie - Noel's daughter. I have to show him that soon. I've done all my clothes washing - tomorrow I'll be doing my bed sheets and stuff and changing them. Strangely I feel really good about doing something so domestic.

I had my friend Kate over - she took me in to her old work and I met her boss, so hopefully I'll be hearing from them soon enough. It was really nice to see her again. She's said that her grandma is going away for ten days, and that I'm welcome to have her room for the quiet while she's away which was LOVELY of her. I may take her up on that. I also went and got somethings I needed from the store - razors, a shower puff, and soap. I missed those small comforts too much to be able to cope without them.

I spoke to the college manager today, she said to lodge an online application to be moved to a quieter building in the semester break, which I will do, because otherwise I am going to have to come home every single weekend just to get decent sleep. I need my sleep so desperately at the moment. I spoke to Danny - the Resident Assistant as well about the noise - he said if the noise continues past 11pm, I can just call security, and they'll come over to force the guys to shut up. I think I'll do this next time I get woken up at like 12 am, because I'm getting sick of it. I know it's O-week and all but really, it's so hugely inconsiderate that I"ve lost all patience, especially since I KNOW that I'm a good housemate - to the best of my ability - I don't leave my shit lying around, I don't wake people up in the mornings, and I never have my music too loud. *grumps*

I also printed out all my study guides that were available, and printed them off. So yeah, I'm gonna get stuck into studying this weekend I think. I like being prepared for my classes. And I also feel a lot more comfortable doing that. And it means I don't get info-overload, so my notes at the end of the class are much better, which is good in the long term.

I also had a really nice pasta tea with Lana, and it was good to be a bit social. There was a lot of people there though, after about half an hour I started feeling a bit claustrophobic and like I wanted to get out.  So now I'm back in my bedroom, with my own space and quiet. And it's a huge relief.

Proactivity gets you far.

Today I went to Student life twice. Once for a doctor's appointment, and the other time for a counselling session - both on the advice of my disability services lady, and on my feelings that I haven't been very well for a while. And I'm glad I went.

The doctor's appointment actually went really well. I had had some concerns recently over my contraceptive implant - namely that I've now been late for one period, had on and off bleeding, and then I've completely missed my last one. It's been about 6 or 7 weeks since my last one,which I had been keeping from everyone, because last time this happened, it was a false alarm, and as soon as I knew I wasn't pregnant, my period came - literally over night. According to her, a third of women stop menstruating entirely, which is what she thinks is happening to me. She said that unless I suddenly put a LOT of weight on in my stomach, and my boobs get huge, I'm fine.
Flat stomach - check.
Small boobies - check.
Aside from that, she was really nice. I mainly went, other then the implanon questions, to fill her in on my anxiety situation so she could help me with my prescription. I actually felt really good finally talking about it all with someone. I didn't go into huge detail, but it was good to know I was being taken seriously, especially over my lack of sleep. I know it doesn't bother a lot of people, but I have really found it difficult to face this week, purely based on how shitty my sleep has been since Saturday.

I then went and bought my horribly expensive biology text book, lab coat and glasses. Doing that actually hurt. It was incredibly expensive! I felt a bit let down actually - I'd tried to buy the books online for cheaper, but no one responded.


I had a break for a couple of hours at that point, wherein I talked to Megan about finding my readings for class online, talked to Lana and Sam, organised Pizza (which I am now FULL of), and went about for walkies trying to sort out our post.

I then went back to Student Life at 3pm to see Nicole, my counsellor. I think I like her quite a lot. She asked good questions that made me think about how I was really feeling, let me blurt out everything about how I was feeling at the moment, and we got on really well. I did feel listened to. Even though I didn't really enjoy being there, because I don't like talking about my anxiety, I can see that she IS a good person to talk to. She made light of the things that are not so sensitive to make me feel more comfortable around her, and she seemed to know exactly how I felt when it comes to thinks like lists and diaries and organising particular things. I have to see her again on Friday next week.

I think, as far as a shitty first week goes, I'm doing the right thing and being proactive about it so I can look after myself.

I feel a lot better for going home.

Even though it was just for the night. Going home yesterday so I could go to the funeral today was actually a huge relief. I did cry a lot though. I mean a lot.

Noel thinks that "crying is a release for pent-up emotion and energy we have no rational way of processing, it's an overflow when we get overloaded, and to fight it might be damaging because when we hold back such powerful emotions we have no way of controlling how they manifest themselves back into your being". I don't really know if I agree with it or not.
I hate crying. I always feel worse for it. My head hurts and once I start, I'm likely to continue on and off for hours on end. And that's shit. I hate it. I feel so out of control and like there is nothing I can do to fix anything. 

Today I was crying because I hurt. I hurt to the point where just thinking about it is making tears roll down my cheeks again. And I'm hurting because I'll miss my teacher, and because I miss my partner. I miss my cat. I'm terrified of death. I know people say it's a part of life, but I'm not concerned about me dying. I'm really scared to lose someone I love. I mean, what if Noel died? How would I find out? who would tell me? or who would tell him if I died? Or if one of my parents died - how would I deal with that? I just don't know. 

I just hurt all over today. 
I hope tomorrow will be better.

I caved.

I was going to be a good girl and go to my first week's lecture instead of going to the funeral of my art teacher. But I was talking to some friends today on facebook, and the more we talked about it, the worse I felt for being two hours away. I made the decision to come home. unfortunately, it wasn't a very composed decision. I cried a lot.

I was out of credit, so had to ask the residential manager if I could borrow her phone so I could call home to let my parents know - during which I completely lost vocal control, and my intended message of "Mum, I'm coming home to go to the funeral tomorrow, because I really need to." turned into "muh ah'm comin' 'ome togoto t'funeral t'morew. ahhhhhh"
I haven't often failed at speaking so spectacularly, but then, I've never had to deal with going to a funeral before.
Then, after that, I had to go to the course people to let them know I'd be missing tomorrow's workshops and lectures, during which I cried again, and I was at the point of being so upset that I just didn't care that people were staring at me trying to speak and ending up wailing.

I think part of the reason I'm so upset about it all, is that I really AM overloaded. I just can't really deal with this properly on top of everything else, and it's just resulting in lots of tears. I had to pull the car over while I was driving home, to try to regain some control of myself. I didn't succeed very well.

I'm now at home, in bed, with a shitty headache, but hey, at least I know my cat missed me. He's not left my side at all since I got home.

Sleep deprived but god damn it I'm going to find something to be happy about.

I am waaaaaaaay too sleep deprived for my natural happy state of being. Also, going from living on the ground floor of a single storey house, to living on the top floor of a three storey building provides an interesting work out for the heart and for the calves. Especially the calves really.

My room is cosy and warm. Now that I'm in my oddly-triangular shaped room, I actually quite like it. Except for the lack of sunlight. But really, I do like it. I have it arranged in a way that makes me happy, maintenance came in to fix my shelf that was missing a peg - so now I can store stuff on it without it going "whoopsie-daisy! you're not gonna store anything on me! hahahahahah!".
The only downside is that it's right next to the stairs. This flight of stairs goes from the bottom floor to the top floor. This means that I can hear everything that goes on.
I discovered this at approximately 3 am this morning, when the people coming back from the clubs came in very loudly and drunkenly.
This makes for a grumpy me. I don't like being grumpy and made my best efforts to not be grumpy.

Due to neither Lana nor I having enough of anything to make proper breakfast, we went on a breakky run to grab what we needed (I FINALLY HAVE OJ! this provided me with so much happiness, it is a little ridiculous), but ended up running slightly late to our "meet and greets" with the rest of the people in our respective courses.
I hate running late. It stresses me out and makes me feel rushed and a little upset for the rest of the day.
Not only was I late, I was in the wrong group. This was horribly embarrassing to me. I don't know why it was, but it was. I felt really stupid.
Anyway, we got a "grand tour" of our wing of the university. It looks fairly cool. I don't know what I can say that sort of encompasses the overwhelming fear and awe I had looking at the technology, or the sinking feeling I got when I realised that I not only needed a lab coat and glasses, which costs about $40 together, but a $161.95 textbook on top of that. I thought I had everything, and that I was so organised, and it turns out that I wasn't at all.

I booked an appointment with the disability services today as well, mainly because I don't have very good mental health. I have General Anxiety Disorder - which means that lots of little things can make me feel incredibly anxious and upset, to the point where I get migraines, shooting pains up my legs and arms, go off my food, lose weight, get sick, lose sleep, which means I feel grumpy and not well, which leads to less of the "quality" sleep. To combat this, I'm medicated. But lately I've been feeling extremely up and down as I deal with my List of Things, and I think I need some help with it. I've gone from seeing a psychologist every three weeks for 12 months, to nearly four months without any help, and it's taking it's toll.
The reason I mention this, is because since I've been here, I've been asked quite a few times if I'm "going out" on the pub crawls and stuff to get drunk. The nature of my medication means I can't drink at all, so I just say I don't drink. But this has led to some weird looks from the other people around me and I sort of feel a little like I'm being judged for not drinking.
This is making my head hurt just trying to work out why I'm just so uncomfortable about it all.

The people in my unit seem nice enough. I seem to meet people everywhere, and they're all just as uncomfortable as I am, at least outwardly. Today I met a boy called Adrian ( I think?) while I was holding Lana's place in the dinner line. He seemed okay.
I feel a bit uncomfortable talking to the guys here. Up until I met Noel, I had a very hard time believing when people said I was pretty or anything nice like that at all. I"m really not very good at taking compliments. I'm acutely aware of being watched or looked at and I'm not sure that I like being so wary. But the thing is, I also feel like if I'm not wary and watchful, then ... I don't know. Maybe something bad will happen? I'm not sure. I just feel like I have to be constantly on my guard and protecting myself.

Anyway. I'm looking forward to a nice quiet night in bed, talking to Noel, watching Big Bang Theory, and having a cuppa.

Today I moved to university.

I woke up early. At 2 am to be precise. My brother, who I normally don't get along with at all, sent me a really nice text message, wishing me luck and telling me he'd miss me, which was a bit of a shock.
But at 2 am, I wasn't willing to see this, so I just rolled over and tried to sleep.
Except I couldn't, because I was terrified of oversleeping and being late to uni and failing miserably from day one. So when I say I "tried to sleep", it's more like "I had some fitful dozes where I was waking every hour in case I missed my alarm".
I am now very tired.

I talked to Noel for about 20 minutes, and he was so lovely. Really reassuring and perked me up. Lucky bastard spent all day yesterday watching Battle Star Galactica in bed (I would be jealous but he's a bit poorly so he's allowed a day in bed), Then I said my goodbyes, packed up my laptop and the last of my things into my car, and left earlier then my parents did. Why did I do this? because my car now had the approximate weight of 10 of me (perhaps a slight exaggeration), and would thus be going 10x slower up the hills.
And it already struggles with just 1 of me in the car.

So I've set off with my music blasting in my car, singing happily along, following the highway for ages. I was overtaken many times (Sorry folks! I know it causes road rage to drive so slowly but I really couldn't go any faster. My foot was to the floor and I still only just managed 80 up those hills!), and at Winchelsea, my parents had finally caught up to me. They caught my attention with flashing their lights and indicating I should stop. I did not want to stop. I was confused as to why they wanted to stop.
"I need a wee. Don't you? You should go have a wee." said mum.
"No mum, I'm fine, really. I could have gone all the way and not needed to stop."
I shrugged, she disappeared into the loos for a wee, then we all left and drove the rest of the way to Geelong.

Whereupon we found out that, after struggling to find the commonroom for 10 minutes (before which I had bumped the car into the concrete parking quite hard. *stressed*), that my room was on the TOP floor of the LARGEST building with the most people on it. And that my room was not square. Rather, it is in fact, a triangle. No joke. It really is. Talk about awkward to arrange!
It is also, right next to the fire escape. If that door is open for more then 90 seconds, the alarm goes off, and it is LOUD. 
On the plus side, I have a brand new bed. I'm not sure I want to know why the old one was replaced, but hey! New Bed, complete with wrapping.
I brought some of my stuff up with the help of my parents, then tried to unpack, brought more stuff up and tried to unpack, then we all went off on a merrily road-rage filled (well, for dad at least) drive to get a fridge. Which we got, then had to get up three flights of stairs.

The parents then all went off for a little meeting with some of the faculty members and I went to meet the other Jaffy's and my RA and AM. Jaffy = Just Another Fucking First Year. RA = Residence Assistant. AM = Academic Mentor. They all seem fairly nice to me. I'm just a bit nervous that I'll fuck everything up and have no friends. I realise, of course, that everybody feels the same. but I am just VERY nervous.

We then had to have dinner and stuff and I met a really nice girl in my building called Lana, and a boy called Sam. They seem like nice people. We sort of hung around together in a little group for most of the day.
So far, I don't know ANYONE else studying Biomedical Science though.

We had some group activities. I was wrapped in toilet paper like a mummy. Great times. 

Managing my list of Bad Things though. Just.
Feel a bit overwhelmed, but I'm sure it'll settle when I've gotten used to being here.

I already miss my double bed. :(
And my cat.

First Post.

So, this is a blog.
Clearly.

I've decided to write it. My boyfriend Noel came up with the idea that I should write a "how-to" guide for uni, of sorts, by documenting my experiences with university. "One hundred words a day." he said. I suppose here is where I say something like "pffft, does he know how HARD that is? In the Long Term?" but I can't really say anything like that. He blogs quite regularly himself and is a MASTER at it. And it really helps him, so I suppose I figure I should try it. I mean I have another blog, but that's just a whiny emo one. I may have to delete it, purely on the basis of how bad it is.

But I'm getting sidetracked.
My name is Tess. I'm studying Biomedical Science at Deakin Uni. I currently live in rural Victoria, Australia, and tomorrow I leave at about eight am to drive two and a half hours to move into my uni halls. I have spent a solid three hours packing my car today. It's like Tetris, as my friend Katherine said, only in 3D format, and once you get a whole row, it DOESN'T disappear and you don't get any points. But I suppose going to uni gives you points so it cancels out.

I feel a bit..... I dunno. I'm satisfied and smug that I managed to pack almost everything into my car (the clothes are in dad's big 4WD), and there's also quite a bit of trepidation tied into that. I'm embarking on a new segment of my life and at this point I have no idea how it is going to pan out.

I should note, at this point, that Noel, lives in England, so that is why I am slightly afraid of getting bogged down in university for 3 years. Slightly afraid is the wrong phrase maybe. I'm being cautious, I suppose, with my enthusiasm because in the last month, I have had to deal with coming back to Australia and being separated from my boyfriend, which was gutting, and also with the death of a teacher I was very close to in High school, as well as the suicide of a boy in my year level. So at the moment I feel like emotional extremes are just nightmares waiting to happen.

I have a whole list of things that worry me, and as the marvellous Allie writes in her blog, Hyperbole and a half, it has the potential to become a Sneaky Hate Spiral at any given moment. I have all these things in my life that need to get sorted, ON TOP of starting university.
Like today, I found out that my teacher's funeral is on at the same time as my very first university lecture. Which means I can't go. Couple this with the fact that I feel like an awful person for not going, and guilt at not wanting to be at my first lecture, it does not prove to be a promising start to my university career.
However, I'm sure I'll muddle on through it somehow.

And I'm getting side tracked again.
There is a reason why people say to "Pack carefully". Mum thinks I don't have enough clothes. I am sure that I do. We disagree, she says "Well I can't *make* you do anything." and I say "No, you cannot." and then in 3 weeks time when the Easter break (I know, how stupid is that, having a break three weeks after the beginning of uni?) comes around, I'll quietly take a few more clothes up to university when I come home to visit.
And she won't know.
At all.
Nope.