so it's been about a week since I last posted.

I know, horrendously lazy of me. But in fairness, I've had some fairly major things going on.

For starts, I got a second tutoring gig. I'm now visiting a nine year old every thursday after school for an hour so I can teach him how to read and write properly. I'm really enjoying it actually - he's a really bright kid - he just doesn't bother trying at stuff he finds too difficult. I've got lessons and stuff planned out. So now I have enough money for a budget and savings and stuff.

Secondly, I was in a car accident on wednesday evening. I was driving along at 80km an hour, and a car pulled out in front of me without looking - and I had no where to go because there were cars on the other side of the road. It wasn't a major one, and I was mostly okay. I went into shock pretty badly and had to wait for police to pick me up because I couldn't drive. And then I started hurting all over, my neck in particular. So then I had to go to hospital and get checked over. It was really stressful, but overall I'm just thankful. It could have been so much worse then it was.

I've come home for the weekend, only to forget my medication last night. so I took it this morning and my head is all fuzzy and sleepy.

home again.

I know, I seem to be going back and forth between home and university a lot. It's partly because, I suppose, I feel more comfortable at home.
However, I feel better for it. I'm home, and studying, and I have  my own space and quiet. I don't feel pressured to go out, don't need to do this or that. I just study at my own pace, and when I want a break I can take it.

I have done so much work. and I feel better for it.

I feel a bit like things are starting to settle down for me at uni. But I am glad I went home on thursday. Thursday night is uni night -> there fore there's SO much more noise at night. I'm still not used to it, and I can't wear earplugs - they hurt my ears too much for me to be able to sleep, and so I have to go without. I've tried listening to music, but that just makes my head full of fizz and I can't sleep.

So I've gone home and I've slept so, so well. I feel really good too.

Red Frogs and biology.

Last night I went out and had a social life.
I know - "OH MY GOD.", right?
A girl in my unit, Lana, had bought me the ticket because she knew I wasn't the richest of people, and she wanted to get me out of the halls for a bit. So last night we traipsed down to the buses together, and met the "Red Froggers".
Red Frogs is a charity run to keep events under control, to help people have a good time responsibly, and to provide support for those who need it. Red Froggers are the people who work for this charity.

We went to a specialty coffee shop, where I had a lovely peppermint tea, and talked to some of the people there, before heading to Panache, a crepes shop for Shrove Tuesday. There, we had to play a game where we had a race to fill a cup with red frogs. Sounds simple, right? wrong. The frogs had to be held between our knees, and we had to waddle over to the cups and drop them without touching them with our hands.
I was losing spectacularly, so I did what any sane person did.... I grabbed the bag of frogs from the guy handing them out, smacking myself in the nose in the process, ran over to my cup, and upended the bag over and into it. I won the "most unsportsmanlike behaviour" award, to cheers and admiration, but I"m not sure how I feel about that, even though I was laughing the whole time.
I haven't laughed like that in a while.
After the night was over, I said thank you to Lana probably way too many times. I don't think I can express how much it meant to me that she thought of me when she barely knew me, and how much I appreciated it. 

Then today, I had my first tutoring session with a girl in Lara, for biology, and it went really well! I felt like I was actually doing a good job and not being a shit teacher. I got her to do some drawings for me, and I looked over them and made little corrections, then got her to define the parts of cells, and then made her draw a phospholipid bilayer, and then I showed her some important definitions for some guaranteed marks.

I actually feel like I've had a good day today.

I didn't write on the weekend for a very good reason.

That reason is that I was enjoying the luxury of sleep.

Yes, sleep.

I drove home on Saturday morning, with my books and all, intending to do my readings and have relaxing evening before having a solid night's sleep. What actually happened was that I got home, tried to read, started nodding off and ended up having a four hour nap in the afternoon.
My gorgeous kitty, who had been asleep on the foot of my bed, was curled up against my stomach when I woke up, purring madly at me. At least he missed me.
I had tea, talked to Noel for a bit, then went back to bed. And slept another 11 hours.
And god it felt really good. Just going *conk* and not being woken up. It felt fantastic. I finally felt like I'd gotten some decent sleep this week.

I got my readings and questions done early on sunday, then spent the rest of the day relaxing before I had to drive up to Geelong again. I would have stayed for tea at home, but there was a dinner on at uni that I figured I should go to. I arrived just in time, and felt a bit uncomfortable, sitting at a table where I only knew one person. I had mains, but felt really uncomfortable listening to everyone talking and obviously knowing each other. I left halfway through - I just really didn't feel like I could handle it. I don't know why. I just really wasn't up for it.

first properly quiet day...

My day, sadly, has been very quiet. Well not sadly at all. I finished my drawing of Sophie - Noel's daughter. I have to show him that soon. I've done all my clothes washing - tomorrow I'll be doing my bed sheets and stuff and changing them. Strangely I feel really good about doing something so domestic.

I had my friend Kate over - she took me in to her old work and I met her boss, so hopefully I'll be hearing from them soon enough. It was really nice to see her again. She's said that her grandma is going away for ten days, and that I'm welcome to have her room for the quiet while she's away which was LOVELY of her. I may take her up on that. I also went and got somethings I needed from the store - razors, a shower puff, and soap. I missed those small comforts too much to be able to cope without them.

I spoke to the college manager today, she said to lodge an online application to be moved to a quieter building in the semester break, which I will do, because otherwise I am going to have to come home every single weekend just to get decent sleep. I need my sleep so desperately at the moment. I spoke to Danny - the Resident Assistant as well about the noise - he said if the noise continues past 11pm, I can just call security, and they'll come over to force the guys to shut up. I think I'll do this next time I get woken up at like 12 am, because I'm getting sick of it. I know it's O-week and all but really, it's so hugely inconsiderate that I"ve lost all patience, especially since I KNOW that I'm a good housemate - to the best of my ability - I don't leave my shit lying around, I don't wake people up in the mornings, and I never have my music too loud. *grumps*

I also printed out all my study guides that were available, and printed them off. So yeah, I'm gonna get stuck into studying this weekend I think. I like being prepared for my classes. And I also feel a lot more comfortable doing that. And it means I don't get info-overload, so my notes at the end of the class are much better, which is good in the long term.

I also had a really nice pasta tea with Lana, and it was good to be a bit social. There was a lot of people there though, after about half an hour I started feeling a bit claustrophobic and like I wanted to get out.  So now I'm back in my bedroom, with my own space and quiet. And it's a huge relief.

Proactivity gets you far.

Today I went to Student life twice. Once for a doctor's appointment, and the other time for a counselling session - both on the advice of my disability services lady, and on my feelings that I haven't been very well for a while. And I'm glad I went.

The doctor's appointment actually went really well. I had had some concerns recently over my contraceptive implant - namely that I've now been late for one period, had on and off bleeding, and then I've completely missed my last one. It's been about 6 or 7 weeks since my last one,which I had been keeping from everyone, because last time this happened, it was a false alarm, and as soon as I knew I wasn't pregnant, my period came - literally over night. According to her, a third of women stop menstruating entirely, which is what she thinks is happening to me. She said that unless I suddenly put a LOT of weight on in my stomach, and my boobs get huge, I'm fine.
Flat stomach - check.
Small boobies - check.
Aside from that, she was really nice. I mainly went, other then the implanon questions, to fill her in on my anxiety situation so she could help me with my prescription. I actually felt really good finally talking about it all with someone. I didn't go into huge detail, but it was good to know I was being taken seriously, especially over my lack of sleep. I know it doesn't bother a lot of people, but I have really found it difficult to face this week, purely based on how shitty my sleep has been since Saturday.

I then went and bought my horribly expensive biology text book, lab coat and glasses. Doing that actually hurt. It was incredibly expensive! I felt a bit let down actually - I'd tried to buy the books online for cheaper, but no one responded.


I had a break for a couple of hours at that point, wherein I talked to Megan about finding my readings for class online, talked to Lana and Sam, organised Pizza (which I am now FULL of), and went about for walkies trying to sort out our post.

I then went back to Student Life at 3pm to see Nicole, my counsellor. I think I like her quite a lot. She asked good questions that made me think about how I was really feeling, let me blurt out everything about how I was feeling at the moment, and we got on really well. I did feel listened to. Even though I didn't really enjoy being there, because I don't like talking about my anxiety, I can see that she IS a good person to talk to. She made light of the things that are not so sensitive to make me feel more comfortable around her, and she seemed to know exactly how I felt when it comes to thinks like lists and diaries and organising particular things. I have to see her again on Friday next week.

I think, as far as a shitty first week goes, I'm doing the right thing and being proactive about it so I can look after myself.

I feel a lot better for going home.

Even though it was just for the night. Going home yesterday so I could go to the funeral today was actually a huge relief. I did cry a lot though. I mean a lot.

Noel thinks that "crying is a release for pent-up emotion and energy we have no rational way of processing, it's an overflow when we get overloaded, and to fight it might be damaging because when we hold back such powerful emotions we have no way of controlling how they manifest themselves back into your being". I don't really know if I agree with it or not.
I hate crying. I always feel worse for it. My head hurts and once I start, I'm likely to continue on and off for hours on end. And that's shit. I hate it. I feel so out of control and like there is nothing I can do to fix anything. 

Today I was crying because I hurt. I hurt to the point where just thinking about it is making tears roll down my cheeks again. And I'm hurting because I'll miss my teacher, and because I miss my partner. I miss my cat. I'm terrified of death. I know people say it's a part of life, but I'm not concerned about me dying. I'm really scared to lose someone I love. I mean, what if Noel died? How would I find out? who would tell me? or who would tell him if I died? Or if one of my parents died - how would I deal with that? I just don't know. 

I just hurt all over today. 
I hope tomorrow will be better.

I caved.

I was going to be a good girl and go to my first week's lecture instead of going to the funeral of my art teacher. But I was talking to some friends today on facebook, and the more we talked about it, the worse I felt for being two hours away. I made the decision to come home. unfortunately, it wasn't a very composed decision. I cried a lot.

I was out of credit, so had to ask the residential manager if I could borrow her phone so I could call home to let my parents know - during which I completely lost vocal control, and my intended message of "Mum, I'm coming home to go to the funeral tomorrow, because I really need to." turned into "muh ah'm comin' 'ome togoto t'funeral t'morew. ahhhhhh"
I haven't often failed at speaking so spectacularly, but then, I've never had to deal with going to a funeral before.
Then, after that, I had to go to the course people to let them know I'd be missing tomorrow's workshops and lectures, during which I cried again, and I was at the point of being so upset that I just didn't care that people were staring at me trying to speak and ending up wailing.

I think part of the reason I'm so upset about it all, is that I really AM overloaded. I just can't really deal with this properly on top of everything else, and it's just resulting in lots of tears. I had to pull the car over while I was driving home, to try to regain some control of myself. I didn't succeed very well.

I'm now at home, in bed, with a shitty headache, but hey, at least I know my cat missed me. He's not left my side at all since I got home.