Even though it was just for the night. Going home yesterday so I could go to the funeral today was actually a huge relief. I did cry a lot though. I mean a lot.
Noel thinks that "crying is a release for pent-up emotion and energy we have no rational way of processing, it's an overflow when we get overloaded, and to fight it might be damaging because when we hold back such powerful emotions we have no way of controlling how they manifest themselves back into your being". I don't really know if I agree with it or not.
I hate crying. I always feel worse for it. My head hurts and once I start, I'm likely to continue on and off for hours on end. And that's shit. I hate it. I feel so out of control and like there is nothing I can do to fix anything.
Today I was crying because I hurt. I hurt to the point where just thinking about it is making tears roll down my cheeks again. And I'm hurting because I'll miss my teacher, and because I miss my partner. I miss my cat. I'm terrified of death. I know people say it's a part of life, but I'm not concerned about me dying. I'm really scared to lose someone I love. I mean, what if Noel died? How would I find out? who would tell me? or who would tell him if I died? Or if one of my parents died - how would I deal with that? I just don't know.
I just hurt all over today.
I hope tomorrow will be better.
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